Today is the fourth year already that you are physically no longer here. It seems like every year we go a layer deeper into the process together to experience what your death means to me.
I still remember the moment when I heard from dad that you had died in America. I was in shock, I was angry, I was sad, I was confused, I was empty...
I do remember all sorts of thoughts racing through me, but also the thought: 'why you and not me...'.
The past few weeks I have thought about this a lot and I feel sad, abandoned, lonely and in a lot of pain. It also makes me think that I don't want to be here, what does that mean? Where then? No idea! A place where deceased people go and where it is peaceful? Where the confrontation with getting up in pain no longer exists? What are we actually doing here as humanity? Especially on days when the world is so dark sometimes...
But then I find light in the people around me, who understand me, feel me, walk with me, uplift me, in the work I do, the deep connections I may experience, the new people I meet. The nature that is often so beautiful, the love and warmth that I feel.
But above all, the thought of your smile and how you were in the prime of life and the most beautiful last physical journey you were allowed to make here. Thank you.
Today I say goodbye to wanting to take your place and continue my life here on earth. Thanks for sticking around with me, I'm letting go of that desire. 
Love always, your sister
Ps. I am offline all day today. I am really okay! Thanks in advance for your love 
Pps. I'm sharing this story not to shock you, but for healing and reaching out to those who has the same feeling and can't find a solution. Let's connect and share your story with me, so we can unite and shine our light together 
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